I just hit 21. My anxiety was still as high as ever. Doing normal things felt like an obstacle to me like talking to my neighbour. I have always felt like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and people judge me all the time. I felt like I never belonged anywhere. It was such a hard time. I know the world does not revolve around me but it felt like they were judging me for the way I am walking, the way I am talking, the way I dress. I was aware I was not being rational but fear was getting the best of me and I was not able to enjoy my life. I isolated myself and the loneliness was killing me. I felt like “I should not be living my life this way. I am young. I am free.” I read self-help books to make me feel better about myself but the effect didn’t last long. The nights, I could not sleep from thinking about all the things I did wrong in life. The things I thought were wrong. The embarrassment. Sometimes, it becomes too much for me to handle and I burst into tears. Cry for a good 2 hours until the energy is sucked out. I become tired and I pass out. I wake up the next day consumed by negative thoughts again. I understood this is becoming extremely unhealthy. I wanted to see a therapist. I couldn’t find one or I was too ashamed to open up. I talked to one of my friends about this uneasiness to live and she told me, “You’re not alone in this. It is just a phase”. Honestly, that felt better for a while but then I would go back to the self-destructing routine that starts with a train of negativity I just could not come out of. I hated my job but I had to earn money so I settled for the job that pays quite a lot but put my mental peace in jeopardy. I was just a messed-up person searching for an escape. I wanted to get better. I did but nothing was working.
One day my best friend came to my place. She was pestering me to take a weekend off to vacation at this place in Thenmala. After a persistent effort for several weeks, I finally gave in to the pressure though I was not really convinced and I was pretty low about it. We decided to go to Palaruvi village. It was my turning point. I ended up in Pepper and Clove Enclave which is an eco-friendly resort with my best friend. Initially, I was sceptical because I didn’t want any interactions. She knew that she had to take this slow and the kind of places that I would like. Nature became my relief. At first, she took me to the waterfalls. It was ethereal. It instantly made my mood good. I became filled with positivity due to my beauty. There was bliss. It gave me hope. I stood there for a decent amount of time, just basking in the glory of the waterfall before I felt the water known to have medicinal properties. To be honest with myself, the views liberated me. I became high on nature. For the first time in several years, I felt worthy. I felt good. I didn’t want to leave. We stayed there playing with water and just staying mesmerized for the longest time. I spent most of my time there, there. It was small but it was progress. I loved it there. That was my first step towards recovery from all the nasty things in my head eating me up. I am grateful to my friend for taking me there. We went to a lot of places there like the Kallada river but Palaruvi waterfalls remain my favourite. I go there often for serenity. Eventually, I became okay with interactions. I was not closed-off anymore.
The negative thoughts surface without my permission occasionally. There has been a big improvement and Pepper and Clove Enclave has a pivotal part in it.
Next week, we are planning to check out the adventure and survival activities offered by that particular resort we visited. See, how far I have come? Wish me luck, guys!